Persistence with Patience...

It has been 3 weeks, which equals 21 days, which equals 504 hours, which equals 30,240 minutes, which equals 1,814,400 seconds... in addition, there were 5 days of splitting headaches, out-of-body experiences, a nasty bout of snappish irritability... along with attending 2 BBQ's, 1 awards show party, a birthday party and a trip to my apple farm ( Hacklebarney Farm ) with homemade cider doughnuts and pies... since I last had refined sugar, ate anything with a face, consumed alcohol or allowed anything processed to pass through my system.

  

But I have survived and come out of it a better person!!

What does this mean moving forward... I don't like saying, "I'll never do something..." because nothing in this world is definite; so I'm not going to sit here and commit to never eating meat again.  But I can say that I have discovered a new appreciation for healthier foods in a way that I didn't know about.  Quinoa actually appeals to me, eating beans as part of my diet has become routine (as has the resulting fartiferous gas), I'm thoroughly embracing fresh fruits as a snack alternative and quite frankly, I love me my rice cakes.

Now, that's not to say that my friend Rahil and I are not going to go out tonight and celebrate with Sushi & Sake in the City... but I have really learned a great deal about moderation and control.  The game plan moving forward is to share the same meal plan with David Monday through Thursday (which means Vegetarian eating) and then have the option to eat my own carnivorous fair Friday through Sunday.  Honestly though, I don't think I am going to go back to eating the way I was before... I have really learned a great deal from this.  Perhaps, instead of the "All You Can Eat Sushi" tonight for $25, I'll enjoy a couple pieces of sushi and a few rolls.



So as I sit here (on day 22) and drink my morning protein shake... I am amazed and grateful for this challenge I put myself through.  I went into it kicking and screaming, and it was not fun the first week and a half... but challenges never are.  It makes me think about what else I can do with my life if I fully invest my heart and head into something the way I have with this cleanse.  The world is out there and the rewards are bountiful... it just requires persistence with patience.

For those of you wondering, my starting weight for this cleanse was 257... I now weigh, 243... 43 more pounds to go!

Friendship... it's a loaded word.

okay, Okay, OKAY... I disappeared for a little bit.  But I have been working on something very exciting that if it plays out right... is going to be big, Big, BIG news!!!  So, hang in there... we should know more next week!!!  And if I don't blog about it... it means it didn't happen.  But I feel like I let myself down by not getting on here and it took a couple friends to whip my butt back into place with emails and phone calls saying, "WHERE'S THE BLOG??!!!"  Thank G*d for those friends!

Friendship... it's a loaded word.  Well, for me it is at least.  A lot of people probably see this word and it doesn't carry a heavy weight with it... for me, it does.

David says that I try too hard to make sure everyone likes me... and I get that.  I think I am a people pleaser and I do want to be liked by others.  I know growing up, it was very important to me.  Like everyone else in high school, our class was very divided with cliques.  We had groups that sat in very distinct places in the Cafeteria and a lounge area we called the Commons (which boasted the most acid tripped/psychedelic mural I've ever seen in a public school).  We socialized within those groups and there was very little cross-over.  I was in the Theater Crowd / Thespians.  We had so much fun and within the group I was pretty popular. 



But I remember, I was pretty horrible to a fair amount of classmates as well.  One who I am thinking of specifically, I tormented continually.  Through FaceBook, we have actually been in touch again... and this person has blossomed into an amazing, radiant, self-confident, fantastic human being!  In some way, I felt like I needed to put someone down in order to feel better about myself.  How fuc*ed up is that??!!  And I know the response to that is, "But we all did it"... I don't buy it!  There were friends of mine who did not do this... 3 of my closest girl friends and my best guy friend NEVER put anyone down, and yet I felt the need to.

I remember one summer, we all got together with some kids from Pittsford to put on a show... and for some reason, I was accepted by the "cool kids", the "popular group", the "partiers" that summer and it felt great at the time.  I would hang out with them, go to their parties, felt really self confident... and you know what, my old friends were pushed aside.  But the craziest thing of all... when the summer ended, and the "cool kids" went back to Pittsford, my old friends took me right back, without question.



Was I really that shallow?  Did I really lack that much self-esteem?  I know that High School is a monster in itself... and basically we do whatever we can to survive.  So, then I look at where I am now with my life.  I don't think of myself as shallow anymore.  I have developed some incredible relationships with people... relationships that really mean something to me.  But I have also lost some very important friendships as well.  Three that come to mind specifically... one, I really wanted to end because I felt like I was being abused, another just kind of fizzled out because we moved away from each other and the third I'm left not knowing why it ended.

I think this is all coming to a head because today, I reached out and wrote to lost-friend #3.  I pulled up the last letter I had sent to this person and it was over 2 1/2 years ago, with no reply back from them.  I expressed how sad I was that our friendship had ended and that I was sorry for anything that I had said or done to hurt , betray or bother this person.  And still, I have not heard back.

Friendship is work... and not something to take for granted.  I have a fair amount of friends from my past who now are spread around the world... and it is work to maintain these relationships.  And I'll be honest, sometimes I succeed at it, and sometimes I've failed.  But what I cherish most are the friendships I have where we don't see each other very much, or even get the chance to talk or email that often... but when we do, it is like we never parted and we pick up right where we left off. 



The sad thing I've learned is that unlike my relationship with my partner... and sadly NOT unlike my relationship with my father... friendships are NOT made from unconditional love.  And I'm not sad to say this... because I think we get complacent when love is unconditional... maybe we undervalue what we have.  A true friendship is about give and take and it only grows from open hearts and honest communication. 

I have a WEALTH of friends going back as far as my dearest and oldest friendship from 5th grade, to bonds I formed in high school that I still share to this day, to INCREDIBLE friends I was lucky enough to find in college, to my restaurant days (what a partying crew THAT was), to my friends from my acting career, to my newest friends in suburbia who proved that there is life outside of the City!  All of these and MORE have blessed me in such a way, that it is so hard to express in words.  My friends help me in so many ways... by their encouragement, support, honesty, challenges, fights, laughter and love.  I am so lucky and I know that my friendships are special gifts, not to be taken lightly!

... it's the little things that scream volumes.

I saw something rather remarkable today... and of at all places, this happened at my local post office.

I left the house today at 3:15pm... may I inform those who are unaware, as I learned today, unless you are a parent or a school bus, you really have no business on the roads between 2:45 and 3:45pm.  I have never seen more angry mom drivers in their SUVs than I did on the 5 minute jaunt to the post office.  I try not to buy into that whole "women drivers are lousy drivers" thing... but let me tell you something, in the 25+ years I have been a liscenced driver, I have never experienced the amount of bad driving that I did today.  Maybe all the moms had somewhere they had to go, so the whole following the "rules of the road" thing kind of went out the window.  But I witnessed such utter disregard for STOP signs, cross walks and red lights that I have decided to completely rearrange my driving schedule to keep me free from the blacktop during this temultuous hour.



At any rate... after having safely arrived (barely) at our local postal office, my nerves were frayed!  As I exited my fabulous Honda FIT and proceeded to the door, I noticed this elderly woman walking toward the door.  She wasn't so old that one might consider her a nuisance (which I have observed is often the case), but she wasn't so young that she could run a marathon.  She was post-retirement, but pre-purple hair.  Think an older Kathy Bates... but without the sledgehammer.



Anyway, she was getting closer to the door and I wasn't feeling particularly inspired to run ahead to hold it open for her.  What I witnessed next shocked me... a young kid, maybe 16, was leaving the post office.  He headed out the door and let it close behind him.  He then saw this older woman approaching and he turned around and opened up the door for her.  She wasn't right there, so he actually had to wait a little bit and continue to hold the door.  Upon crossing over the threshhold, this mature gem of a lady very kindly said, "Thank You" to which he responded in his urban way, "Yeah, no problem!"

I know it is a small gesture... but it's the little things that scream volumes.  Immediately, I am thrust into questioning, "Why didn't I run up to open the door?" and "Why was I thinking about the women drivers the way that I was?" (well... except, they were pretty bad!) and "WOW! How awesome was that!" and "Hey, you know... kids aren't all that bad!" and "Older people are pretty amazing!" and "Why can't we all just be a little more attentive to others?"

So... it just surprised me that something so simple as opening a door could have such a profound effect!!!  I know it's that whole "Pay-it-Forward" thing and all... and I know I've experienced this kind of thing before... but it always hits me as profound when we're kind of jolted out of our every day by something that appears to be so simple and yet so generous.

It is what it is! & I wasn't expecting a little prick today!

So... I am so frustrated right now... I am trying so hard to take the higher road, but this frustration is killing me!



Here's the deal... I held a preliminary phone interview with the HR Department for this job that I really, really want.  The position is for outreach work for a non profit organization that I truly believe in.  The salary is great... the job is right up my alley... and it is less than a 30 minute drive away in NJ (compared to 1 1/2 hour commute into the City, this is a DREAM!).  At the end of this phone interview last Tuesday, the woman (based in Atlanta) told me that I would be getting a call from one of the HR people up here in NJ by the end of the week.  She actually said, "If you don't hear anything by Friday, give me a call and I'll follow up as I know they are filling this position rather quickly."  Well Thursday came and went so I called and emailed the Atlanta woman on Friday.  Waited around all day on Friday... nothing! Didn't really expect anything over the weekend, so I continued to cleanse (oh what fun!).  Waited around all day on Monday... nothing.  Was hoping to hear something by Tuesday and if not call before 5pm.  Well, I got home from the animal shelter after 5:00, so I waited to reach out until today.  Rather than seem stalker-ish... I called a couple times today, but did not leave a message when there was no answer, so finally, I just sent off an email. 

I was IM-ing with Shannon earlier, and she tried to keep my spirits up... and we came up with, "It is what it is!"  Here's the thing... don't tell me I am going to be getting a phone call by the week's end if I'm not.  And on top of it, don't imply that you will be looking into it for me if I don't hear back when you won't.  This is such an exercise in letting go for me, because she said, "They're filling this position quickly"... so, I feel like someone is dropping the ball here and I need to make sure they pick it back up!!  I know... I KNOW... people are busy, things come up... I shouldn't get so upset... but it frustrates me... that's all!!!

But on a better note... I interviewed today at St. Barnabus Health Care Center to volunteer.  It went extremely well... and it looks like there is a great opportunity for me.  They have a wonderful peer-to-peer program for teens to interact with youth in the hospital.  You know... play cards, arts & crafts, music, cooking, being a friend.  They need adult supervisors to assist with the program.  This would be amazing for me.  Also, they need help with discharging patients... which would be cool because it gives you an opportunity to work with all the different areas of the hospital.  So, I'm really thrilled about this whole thing... the bummer is, the process takes about a month to get on board... with all the background checks and orientation.  But I'll gladly put in the time!  The process started today with a TB test... I wasn't expecting a little prick today.  I do NOT do well with needles... so even with this simple test, I had to look away!!! 



I suppose I need to focus on the amazing things I'm bringing into my life and not focus on what I cannot control.  This would probably be a recipe for a happier/healthier person to follow... right?

It takes so little, to give so much!!!

First of all... I am really bummed that I didn't post yesterday.  I just didn't get around to it.  And it's not that I was really so busy doing things... I just didn't get around to it.

So... what a day it has been for me.  I finished my training at the Jersey Animal Coalition... oh boy!!!  I've been working with the cats and kittens up to this point, but today I got trained on working with the dogs.  The puppy socializing is to die for... right now, we have a litter of eleven 6-week old mutts.  Part of what I do is get them used to being held and prodded by their Vets (I actually have to lift up their tails so they can get used to a thermometer getting stuck up their butts). I wanted to say, "Lifting up their tails is NOT all they'll need to get used to the idea of a thermometer up their butt.  Do we have any Doggie Ecstasy?" But my trainer was very serious and I didn't think she would take too kindly to this kind of joking around.


(these aren't them... but aren't they cute?!)

In dealing with the Shelter's dogs, there is a rating system to help distinguish the dog's behavior... basically, GREEN means GO (there's little to no problems with these dogs), YELLOW means they are dog aggressive, BLUE means they are leash pullers and can be nippy, RED means they are aggressive, BROWN means don't even go to the cage and BLACK means they haven't been diagnosed yet.  Unfortunately, 40% of the dogs are not to be handled by the volunteers because they are Yellow, Red or Brown dogs.

Here's my dogs that I can walk: Mamma Dog (pointer mutt), T-Bone (Pit Mix), The Two Tickles (one was hit by a car and is very nervous), Gucci (Shephard Mix), Pudgie (a fat weiner dog), Brenda, Charlie, Tazz, Lickerish, Onyx, Lemmy, Clara, Jayne, Baby Jane and possibly Angie (she is very dog aggressive though and getting her out of the kennel is a huge challenge).

Here's the thing... I love this shelter... it is a no-kill shelter and they are doing the best they can with what they have.  But it is ROUGH going through there.  The place has a very distinctive smell... even now, after having showered and shampooed, I can still smell it.  But the actual place and dogs are tough on the heart.  There are 5 basic areas where the dogs are kept and I will be walking pooches from all of them. 

The front area/lobby has cages in it that are due to overflow.  One of my favorite dogs is here... his name is T-bone.  He is a big, love-bug of a pit/brindle mix... so his chances of getting adopted are about 25%.  This dog is the sweetest thing ever... I can't believe I am actually crying while I type this.  Here's why... this dog was abandonded, probably because he just got old... he probably was no longer the cute little pit puppy!  He came in with his full body covered in mange... with medication, they were able to clear it up, but he's getting it again.  He also has kennel cough... which is pretty standard for a lot of these dogs from living in such close quarters.

There is the quarantine area... this is where the dogs are that are not so well off.  I'll be walking a couple dogs from here (the one that got hit by the car).  But there's these two little maltese that just came in that had such matted fur when they arrived, that you couldn't see their faces.  They are very sick and it feels like there's a concern that they might not make it.

The back hallway also has overflow in it... there's this one little nippy dog that I just want to squish his cute little face, but was told that he actually sent someone to the hospital... so I should stay clear!  There's also this HUGE German Shephard out there that you're not even supposed to make eye contact with.

The Training Room has a large amount of dogs in it... because I am a guy, I've been given a fair amount of these dogs, which are bigger and can be a little agressive (I'm walking green and blue dogs).  Charlie is a cute lump of a thing... once again a pit mix, tan, sweet as can be... but when we were taking him out, he went after one of the other caged dogs.  I leanred fast about holding the dogs on a short leash when transporting them in and out of the shelter.

And then the roughest one for me is the Kennel... as soon as you walk in (actually this happens with the Training Room too), all the dogs bark at you wanting your attention, wanting to go out, just wanting to get affection.  The room is set up with two-level cages (dogs about 4 feet up and dogs below them).  My favorite dog from the group is Lemmy... he is a BIG pit mix, black and white, sweet as pie.  But he's afraid of heights and because of the overcrowding of the lower level cages with large sized dogs and the Training Room, he's having to exist in an upper cage.  He is scared shitless when trying to get him down... I'm so scared of injuring him getting him in and out.  You can ask a kennel-tech to help... but they're very busy themselves.

The thing is... there's not enough volunteers to walk all the dogs.  Anyone who owns a crated dog knows how it mortifies them to poop in their cage... so, short walks are better than no walks.  But I feel like I am gyping the dog of any kind of socializing or sense of play because I want to get the other dogs out of their cages too!!!

The people at  the Jersey Animal Coalition are doing the best they can, with the limited resources they're given.  All the animals are in air-conditioned rooms.  The cats have classical music playing for them.  Vetrinarians see the animals if they become sick.  No animal is ever put down.  Their dedicated staff always has the best intentions of the animals in mind and they do everything they can for them.  There's just an overwhelming amount of animals, a limited amount of funds and not enough time in the day.  Every animal interacts with people... even the toughest BROWN dogs.  But they get the trained people to handle them.

The stories of these animals will just rip your heart to pieces... but I'm going to have to be strong.  These dogs come alive as soon as they leave their cages and they just want to be loved.  It takes so little, to give so much!!!  And actually... the dogs themselves (and the cats too... in their own superior way) give back so much.  They are such sweet, loving creatures.  They didn't ask for this life... they didn't ask to be thrown out of a moving car... or horded like inanimate objects... all they asked for was to be loved and treated with kindness.  I will do whatever I can... however small it is, to help these animals get some sense of that wish!  And in return... I am a better person for it!!!

  

he•ro [heer-oh] noun, plural –roes

If ever there was a day to contemplate "moving forward and "bettering oneself"... today is that day!

I'll never forget where I was in NYC ten years ago... how, I got a call from David at work around 9:00am, telling me he heard and saw the first plane hit on his way in... how, while we were talking on the phone together I saw on live TV the second plane hit and I had to tell him... how, while still on the phone with David, I watched my beloved towers fall... how far away I felt from him... how, David walked home from Grand Central Station to the East Village and all he saw were people covered in ash and blood... how, he and I got together with Leo and all we wanted to do was help in some way and we didn't know how... how the three of us went to Tompkins Square Park and there was a woman in a red bikini out sunbathing, while business people covered with ash were walking around her… how, we had tanks driving down our streets, as we lived in the red zone (below 14^th Street) and had to show ID every time we came or left our apartment… how the makeshift shrines of those looking for their loved ones sprang up all over the City… how, the Diner I was working in became a local haven for our neighbors to come to and simply hang out and watch the 2 TVs we set up on the counter, more to just connect with other human beings than to eat anything… how for days, there was not one car honking its horn or one person screaming at another… how, we were dazed and confused for days after… how the SMELL stayed in our nostrils for weeks and our memory forever… how much I cried for those we lost and for those who were missing.

David and I were extremely blessed, as we didn't directly know anyone trapped in the towers, planes or DC.  We watched in horror as events unfolded and tried to comfort all our friends who were so tragically torn apart by the chaos we were all going through. 

To this day... what still makes me cry were the Heroes that became apparent as the minutes, hours, days, weeks and years passed.  The little gestures of assistance from neighbors to the bold help given by the first responders.  I am always in awe... and at a loss for words.  I am so grateful to be an American and to rally behind the unsung Heroes from that day and the days that followed.  There really is very little to say here... except that I am humbled, inspired, grateful, proud and honored!!!

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” Christopher Reeve quotes (American Actor, Film Director and Activist. 1952-2004)

“A hero is someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom.”  Bob Dylan quotes (American folksinger, b.1941)

“Not the glittering weapon fights the fight, but rather the hero's heart.” Proverbs quote

“A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.”    Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes (American Poet, Lecturer and Essayist, 1803-1882)

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself.
Joseph Campbell (American Author, 1904 – 1987)

“The hero draws inspiration from the virtue of his ancestors.”  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe quotes (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

“Aspire rather to be a hero than merely appear one.”    (Spanish Philosopher and Writer, leading Spanish exponent of conceptism, 1601-1658)

“A boy doesn't have to go to war to be a hero; he can say he doesn't like pie when he sees there isn't enough to go around”  Edgar Watson Howe quotes (American Editor, Novelist and Essayist, He was known as the Sage of Potato Hill, 1853-1937)

The satisfaction of a day's hard work!

I don't know where David gets the stamina, but after he dragged me and Shannon to the gym today (Saturday) for our morning class at 9:15am... he decided we were going to clean up the yard.  Before I get into this whole story... we need to acknowledge what it is like going to a workout class... at 9:15am... when all you really have in your system is some birdseed and rabbit food!!  Can you say, "FREAK OUT?!"... can you say, "PANIC"... can you say "I KNOW YOU WANT US TO DO 30 MORE SECONDS OF SITUPS, BUT I AM ABOUT TO PUKE ALL OVER YOUR PERFECTLY TONED, THIN, LITTLE BODY IF YOU DO NOT LET ME CHILL OUT!" 

Needless to say... the whole floating outside of my body feeling that I've been sharing with you for the past couple of days... yeah... well... magnify that by 50x... that'll give you an idea of what I was feeling like after walking out of the class.  Frankly, I don't know how I managed to get us home without driving us up a telephone pole.

Anyway... back to getting home afterwards and the yard work.  David was actually kind enough to make me the most awesome breakfast of toast and fruit  (I mean... really??... COME ON!)  So after we gorged ourselves on the gerbil food, David was ready to tackle the yard work!  In his defense, it was very much needed on multiple levels.  A.) We hadn't cleaned up after Irene yet   B.) It was becoming difficult to see the difference between the lawn, the weeds and the shrubs and  C.) It was the block party today... we couldn't be the lone house on the street with a front yard that looked like a swamp!

 (actual picture of our yard... house is off to the left)

So... we got to work!  I finally put together the gas-powered lawnmower we bought in July.  David got out the rake, pick axe and crowbar.  Spice even ventured outside to help (we've had this cat for 15 years and she decides today that she is going to become an outdoor cat!!!).  After hacking through the jungle of vines and poison ivy... we found our lawn and got it mowed.  We weeded the garden, pruned the bushes and  fixed up the walkway... I think the 3 of us did a good job; it came out all right.

The interesting thing for me was... I really enjoyed doing this with David.  I am naturally a hard worker... I pride myself on my work ethic.  There were loads of days in my Corporate World where I would work my fingers to the bone, where I would be the last one to leave the office, where I was constantly replacing the empty water jug on the cooler... and you know what, rarely did I feel as happy with myself and my hard work as I did after working on the yard today... for my little house, in my little neighborhood, with my partner and my cat!

So now we could actually show our face at the block party with pride!!  I made it through the whole thing drinking water and eating a black bean burger (which I have never had before, but was really quite good).  I could write a whole blog on the dessert table alone... but all you really need to know is that I didn't touch a thing and my HEATH BAR cake was nearly gone by the time we left.  We got to meet a lot of new neighborhood friends: Michael & Tracy (... awesome bean salad... which I COULD EAT!), Lisa & Brian (... way too many cars on your street!) and Laura & Brian (... Go Rutgers!).  We also got to spend time catching up and laughing with old friends: Meghan & Boris (... the kid is too cute and we're so getting a dog to share!), Jeff and Catherine (... yay public library!), Margaret & Dick (... can't wait to talk more politics with you!) and Audrey (... the Governor DID live in your house!).

So at the end of the day, I am able to go to sleep having spent some time with new & old friends, watching my cat venture into the exciting new world of the outdoors and gain a better understanding of the satisfaction of a day's hard work!

That's really it for today... I have a feeling tomorrow (which is actually today already) is going to be a doozy!