Friendship... it's a loaded word.

okay, Okay, OKAY... I disappeared for a little bit.  But I have been working on something very exciting that if it plays out right... is going to be big, Big, BIG news!!!  So, hang in there... we should know more next week!!!  And if I don't blog about it... it means it didn't happen.  But I feel like I let myself down by not getting on here and it took a couple friends to whip my butt back into place with emails and phone calls saying, "WHERE'S THE BLOG??!!!"  Thank G*d for those friends!

Friendship... it's a loaded word.  Well, for me it is at least.  A lot of people probably see this word and it doesn't carry a heavy weight with it... for me, it does.

David says that I try too hard to make sure everyone likes me... and I get that.  I think I am a people pleaser and I do want to be liked by others.  I know growing up, it was very important to me.  Like everyone else in high school, our class was very divided with cliques.  We had groups that sat in very distinct places in the Cafeteria and a lounge area we called the Commons (which boasted the most acid tripped/psychedelic mural I've ever seen in a public school).  We socialized within those groups and there was very little cross-over.  I was in the Theater Crowd / Thespians.  We had so much fun and within the group I was pretty popular. 



But I remember, I was pretty horrible to a fair amount of classmates as well.  One who I am thinking of specifically, I tormented continually.  Through FaceBook, we have actually been in touch again... and this person has blossomed into an amazing, radiant, self-confident, fantastic human being!  In some way, I felt like I needed to put someone down in order to feel better about myself.  How fuc*ed up is that??!!  And I know the response to that is, "But we all did it"... I don't buy it!  There were friends of mine who did not do this... 3 of my closest girl friends and my best guy friend NEVER put anyone down, and yet I felt the need to.

I remember one summer, we all got together with some kids from Pittsford to put on a show... and for some reason, I was accepted by the "cool kids", the "popular group", the "partiers" that summer and it felt great at the time.  I would hang out with them, go to their parties, felt really self confident... and you know what, my old friends were pushed aside.  But the craziest thing of all... when the summer ended, and the "cool kids" went back to Pittsford, my old friends took me right back, without question.



Was I really that shallow?  Did I really lack that much self-esteem?  I know that High School is a monster in itself... and basically we do whatever we can to survive.  So, then I look at where I am now with my life.  I don't think of myself as shallow anymore.  I have developed some incredible relationships with people... relationships that really mean something to me.  But I have also lost some very important friendships as well.  Three that come to mind specifically... one, I really wanted to end because I felt like I was being abused, another just kind of fizzled out because we moved away from each other and the third I'm left not knowing why it ended.

I think this is all coming to a head because today, I reached out and wrote to lost-friend #3.  I pulled up the last letter I had sent to this person and it was over 2 1/2 years ago, with no reply back from them.  I expressed how sad I was that our friendship had ended and that I was sorry for anything that I had said or done to hurt , betray or bother this person.  And still, I have not heard back.

Friendship is work... and not something to take for granted.  I have a fair amount of friends from my past who now are spread around the world... and it is work to maintain these relationships.  And I'll be honest, sometimes I succeed at it, and sometimes I've failed.  But what I cherish most are the friendships I have where we don't see each other very much, or even get the chance to talk or email that often... but when we do, it is like we never parted and we pick up right where we left off. 



The sad thing I've learned is that unlike my relationship with my partner... and sadly NOT unlike my relationship with my father... friendships are NOT made from unconditional love.  And I'm not sad to say this... because I think we get complacent when love is unconditional... maybe we undervalue what we have.  A true friendship is about give and take and it only grows from open hearts and honest communication. 

I have a WEALTH of friends going back as far as my dearest and oldest friendship from 5th grade, to bonds I formed in high school that I still share to this day, to INCREDIBLE friends I was lucky enough to find in college, to my restaurant days (what a partying crew THAT was), to my friends from my acting career, to my newest friends in suburbia who proved that there is life outside of the City!  All of these and MORE have blessed me in such a way, that it is so hard to express in words.  My friends help me in so many ways... by their encouragement, support, honesty, challenges, fights, laughter and love.  I am so lucky and I know that my friendships are special gifts, not to be taken lightly!